I sat in front of the computer screen, staring, fingers at the ready as they hovered over the keyboard…
Perhaps I heard God incorrectly? Maybe He doesn’t want me to write after all, and I am failing obedience lessons. I don’t need to write because it takes up too much of the time I have to give my family. I am not that good at it anyway. Besides, what if I am successful? What if a lot of people want to read what I write? It’s unlikely, but in that event… I don’t want to have to perform for people. I’m terrified that I will fail in front of an audience. I don’t even want to be noticed. I want to hide.
This is what I’ve been thinking about for more than two years. Back and forth, my confidence has wavered and I decided to stop writing publicly. I had a thriving lifestyle blog until 2015, but the content I was publishing fell flat on my spirit and I grew tired of dividing my efforts between the blog and my family. Eventually, I stopped writing altogether.
I continued to keep a journal, and I bought a domain name last year because I thought I might want to try again one day.
And here I have often sat quietly, frustrated that writing wouldn’t come easily, just waiting.
Waiting for the right time. Waiting for the words to come out the way I have imagined them. Waiting to feel like God has given me a green light to start writing again.
In life and our choices, I think God allows us more freedom that we realize. It’s not a matter of receiving His approval for a project we want to begin. Free will is ours, a gift, and the Good Father is waiting for us to make a move. Whatever road we choose, He will bless our efforts when we consciously determine to find our contentment at the True Source, in Him. It’s our heart He wants: our affection and our commitment to follow Him.
Maybe all this time I thought I was waiting for God, but He was actually waiting for me.
I’ve arrived at a critical moment in my life: a place where the path is divided and I must choose to take the left fork or the right. After more than two years as a homeschool mother, we recently decided to put my oldest son in public school for the first time. Though reluctant to make the move, I immediately recognized the opportunity God had offered me. I have prayed for Him to increase my time and capacity to write again, and all along He was leading our family to a change I didn’t expect.
I can either spend the rest of this school year mourning the loss of my identity as a homeschool mother and the connection with the homeschool community, or I can use this newfound time and energy to embrace my identity as a Daughter of the King. I can use this time to serve myself by watching all the television shows I’ve never had time to watch or reading all the bestselling books I haven’t been able to read over the last two years. Or, I can begin the practice and discipline of daily writing and intentionally developing one of the natural abilities God has given me to use in service to His Kingdom.
I choose to…
- Write even when the result is messy and embrace the fact that sometimes the words will be more imperfect than they are motivational or inspiring.
- Live life with open hands, letting Jesus form my identity and not holding the things this world uses to define me too close to my heart.
- Give my energy to loving my family and my community fully, just as Jesus loves me.
- Be a person who lives with intention and focus, making proactive choices to move closer to my dreams.
The first post is the hardest to write, it feels so awkward to begin from nothing. The only way to overcome this gloriously awkward first post is to put it out there. It feels risky, it feels like I might even be wasting my time! But I’m choosing to overlook the fear and hold my head high. The only time to begin again is now!
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (Colossians 3:17)