Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. (Luke 12:6-7)
“Honey, you have a terrible poker face. You can’t hide a thing,” a friend told me once. “Everything you feel is displayed right there for all to see.” And that friend was so correct. I really don’t ever hide what I feel, and if I do harbor something it will turn putrid quickly and make a horrible mess of me. Honesty is the best policy, right? Except sometimes what feels like being honest can be very destructive.
The past couple of weeks have been hard on me, emotionally speaking. Parenting has been hard, marriage has been hard, “adulting” in general has been especially hard. I see that there’s a lot of soul work that needs to be taken care of still, or again. Setting times during the day to intentionally connect with God and then with others would really help me stay on the right track.
If only I didn’t have such a hard time with consistency! I happen to be one of the few people who thrive on change. Perhaps I’m a tad flighty? I’m positive it drives my friends and family bonkers, but my biggest fear is that this aspect of my nature might have caused the people around me to actually stop believing in me.
Why can’t I just accomplish something real already, so that my worth won’t be discounted in the eyes of others?
Pause right there. We need to take a moment to unpack that question, because I know you’ve probably had the same thought assail your mind at times. Truly, who decides what you and I are worth?
Fortunately, our lives are not defined by how many times we start things, only to fail. Nor is our purpose limited by all the ways our failings have shaped others’ perception of us. The only one who can determine the course ahead of us is the Lord, the very same God who knows the number of hairs on each of our heads and the length of days that are appointed to us!
I took a few days away from writing because I needed some time away from the temptation to engage in too much social media. It’s a really hard thing to balance, this desire to create something beautiful, when you are surrounded by so many amplified voices and they all seem to be handling the call to speak truth better than you can. So when our church pastor called for a week-long social media fast, I knew I needed to join in and find rest for my soul.
Nearing the end of this season of fasting and prayer, I’m feeling my emotions swayed, and it’s even harder to hold my poker face straight, hoping that the world around me won’t come crashing down. Here and there, the Lord meets me and helps me find a pocket of encouragement so I can catch my breath. This morning, one of our associate pastors shared a short message about being still, knowing that He is the Lord (Psalm 46:10), and I knew he was speaking to me.
Once again, I still my thoughts at the feet of my Savior and ask Him to keep reminding me that He has made me worthy already. I don’t have to strive for worldly success in order to become valuable, because I am treasured by the King. It doesn’t really matter how the people around me perceive me, only that it is evident that my flight path is being directed by Jesus.
For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. (Phillipians 2:13)