This morning, I woke up far earlier than I would have liked. It was still dark outside, and I laid in the bed as still as possible, eyes closed, trying to drift back into sleep for I don’t know how long. I knew that Eric’s alarm clock was close to going off when I heard a train passing in the distance, because the trains always pass through at about 5 o’clock in the morning.
Try as I might, I could not get back to sleep, so I picked up my phone and read through a couple of chapters of Romans on my Bible app before rolling out of bed. I prepared my first coffee of the day shortly after Eric left for work. In the still of morning, my heart was pierced with longing. Its cry began echoing, louder and louder, somewhere in my ribcage: calling out for the Lord to show me where I belong.
I truly don’t feel like my life is missing much. I am mostly content. Nearly satisfied. I’m amazed to see what the Lord has done in me over the last six or seven years- if you knew me then, you wouldn’t recognize me now. And through it all, He has been so faithful to me. I really love my marriage, my children, my home and our life within these walls.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)
I’ve heard it said, and then seen in my own experience, that it is true that the Lord gives you what your heart desires when you find your joy in Him. To say it another way: if I delight myself in the Lord, His Spirit is faithful to change my heart so that my desires align with His desires. He is anxious to give me the gifts He has waiting for me, if I will wait on Him to show me the things I should be longing to receive.
My longing this morning is to find connections with women like myself. Over the last couple of years, He has put me through a deconstruction of self and rebuilt my heart by filling the gaps with Himself. I had to fold my hand and walk away from a game I thought I could win on my own so that He could show me who I am.
I am far more settled in the identity He has given me now than I was one year, or even six months ago. The more I ache with loneliness, the more I feel there is no one like me in the world with whom to really connect- the more I want to lean in to the Lord and ask Him to make even me more into His likeness.
My heart’s cry is for deep friendship. I don’t want to walk in the wide, shallow river of relationships anymore. I crave a narrow river with deep water. Everyone around me is rushing through life, carving deep ruts through all the choices this world throws at them, moving into hurried paths that push them past me in the stillness and keep me from really meeting another person in the intimate shade of God’s presence. I am praying for a woman (a group of women?) to meet me here.